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. . . if only i was a little less reactive to highly  caustic matter then maybe i could be best buddies with everybody - - - thats a red alert for me. it’s not that i have a black heart or something,but i can easily spot not so adorable matter. i think that’s a gift, when it takes you only a few meetings while others take some time to distinguish "it matter" (i don’t think their maturity level ever evolved at the same rate their bodies did - making them  less of a human, but instead is matter since they occupy space, has mass etc etc ).

. . . .if only i can pull up a black hole. perhaps invent a machine sensitive to my ire level and will be activated by the tension headaches i get after every encounter, that will slurp (just like some shit getting flushed into the big pipes after the toilet bowl with that satisfying glurgling sound that comes after) this thing into the GREAT BEYOND, then maybe i’ll be a hero and make this world a better place by sparing them from unwanted matter. i’ll be known as the "poso-negro" of boogey monsters and blast them to the dante’s inferno that they belong.

. . . . . if only i can imagine myself in some paradise listening to nothing but astrud gilberto then maybe i could junk a recurring memory of a "chance encounter with the third kind".

. . . . . . if only i did my breathing exercises, enrolled in a yoga class, thought of dharma,yin,the cation,the positron  and all positive elements of nature then maybe i could’ve let it slide.

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life is full of pain in the a’s. zap them all. i’ll condition myself to be seeing a lot of ghosts - like part of Jackson’s MTV Thriller - guess this point on, i’ll see a lot of dead-men walking.

disclaimer: i’m really not nasty. i just don’t like some buttons being pushed consecutively.

i definitely agree with pia. no matter how hard we wish to "turn a new leaf’ we are still always painstakingly haunted by who and what we really are. ive been meaning to make changes in my life (those of which of couse is within my control). ive been keeping a journal, running a pen dry and making white carbon copies of past notes on blank pages, before they were even actually written on. im desperate to be heard without causing pain to people who i think i love, and who genuinely cares for me. ive been constantly seeking release from all these sick feelings that has been building up before i actually turn into an ugly gollum. ive been looking at the world through dark panes. i wouldnt want to lead a miserable life, and in doing so i end up making promises to change this, change that, but nothing permanent happens..  you’re proud that you’re doing good a few days after your resolution but you still end up being the old you.

well maybe the "leaf" is from european trees?- that sounds stupid but it is, its a western idiom. they change with the seasons but they still grow back that SAME LEAF..  you can never drastically  change anything. you tear a piece of paper, but only the size has changed, it still maintained its properties which makes it paper.. its all about cycles and converted things. so its not because i dont want to change, but you have to understand that i cant and its not physically possible.finally, its acceptance . . . acceptance of ones individuality..